How Do You Get in The Christmas Spirit When You've Suffered Loss?

Christmas is just around the corner, almost literally. Everywhere you look, you see signs that Christmas is near. In stores, in neighborhoods, in homes. But you already know that. What you don’t already know (I seriously hope since that would mean I have stalkers) is that I’m not really in the Christmas mood this year. I don’t really know what it is.

I mean, Christmas used to mean getting excited and searching for presents when my parents weren’t home. It used to mean Tupperware and cookie jars filled to the brim with tons of cookies. It used to mean a house filled with the sound of Christmas songs, or at least my room. It used to mean joy and happiness and togetherness. But now, as I look around, I see a quiet house. I see only half the gingerbread cookies decorated and no other cookies.

I see my little brother not ecstatic about a Christmas present for him sitting on the mantle. I see the boxes that have been delivered full of our Christmas presents sitting in my parent’s room, probably with the gifts still in there. I see myself, and wonder what happened. This time last year, I would have gotten and wrapped all my gifts by the second week of December. I would have baked so many cookies with my mom we wouldn’t know what to do with them all. I would have been listening to Christmas music for weeks. I would have drunk tons of hot chocolate.

But this year, I just got all my gift getting and wrapping done on Monday. I’ve barely made any cookies. I can’t listen to Christmas music because it’s too darn joyful, but it feels like sacrilege to play anything else. What happened? Why does it feel like Christmas has become nothing more than a day, not a feeling? Maybe it’s because it’s in the 40s and sunny. Maybe it’s because there’s no snow, anywhere. But I think I know the real reason.

This school year has been tough on my family and me so far. You all know my grandpa died in October but in September my dog, Casey died and it hit the family pretty hard. Casey was a golden retriever of only 10 years old. He died suddenly, in the night. The pain of the loss went deep. Hit with the double loss only a month apart, my grades dropped and I felt extremely upset. But my grades are doing better which is good, but not everything is sugar plums and gumdrops.

My cat, Garfield, is having seizures and my cat, Sassy, has developed a cold that seems to have hit her a little harder than expected. I’m extremely worried about both and I couldn’t stand it if I lost another pet. It would be devastating. Since my grandpa’s death, suddenly I find all these people and pets around me that aren’t healthy and seemingly could die at any moment. Suddenly, I realize nobody is around forever, and it really hurts.

Is this the price of growing up? Seeing life isn’t unicorns and rainbows? Seeing more than you ever wanted to see? When we’re young, we can’t wait to grow up, thinking it means freedom and getting to do amazing thing. But then childhood zooms by and suddenly we’re thrown into bring older and growing up and suddenly it’s not so great. Suddenly we’re bombarded with emotions and situations we can’t handle and we just want to be kids again, when everything made sense and our biggest problem was someone just took the crayon you wanted.

Is it really worth growing up when the price is losing people and pets and imagination and innocence? I’m not so sure. But you know what sucks the most about growing up? You learn the true meaning of the phrase “be careful what you wish for” just when it’s too late.