Parenting Styles: Which Work Best to Raise Independent, Self-Sufficient Kids

Looks like summer has hit the bricks! While I don't hate the sun, I do like to be . Over this last weekend I took Jack and met up with my wife at an end of summer BBQ. It was great and one of the few chances we've had to talk with other parents our age and that have kids around Jack's age (quite of few of them are also childhood friends of mine.

I've known most of the dad's there since 4th grade). I was letting Jack run around the backyard, climb some gentle steps and just generally letting him explore. I was keeping an eye out for him or making sure someone else was if I had to step away for a minute and Jack seemed to be enjoying the freedom to explore a bit on his own. After one of the mom's there saw him she remarked that we definitely weren't helicopter parents.  

I hadn't really thought about our parenting style too much other than that we weren't going to hover over our kid and do everything for him. Like most parents we want a strong, independent person that can use his brain to think himself through situations.  

Whenever Jack has a "smart" day (a day he seems to have put into practice things he's learned through the week) we celebrate it with him, whooping it up, clapping and letting him know that we value those types of achievements. He's still just a little guy so we want him to know that learning is good and makes Mom and Dad very happy. We try to let him know as much as possible things that we value in terms of behavior and actions.

This got me to thinking how parents end up with their parenting styles. Personally we're basicallly trying to raise Jack as we were raised with a few modifications. I grew up mostly as a "latch key" kid, or what what now seems to be free range.  My brothers and I had lots of free time to explore and get into trouble with. We weren't criminals, but we weren't angels either. And you know what I think that's OK.  

I firmly believe that every kid needs to do some sort of mischief and not be a perfect little angel. The perfect kids are the ones that when they go to college end up going way overboard. They have no reference for what it means to be independent and so end up overdoing many things and then expecting Mom and Dad to come in and clean up their messes.

By raising a child that gets into trouble and gets punished for the trouble you can end up with an older kid that takes on his/her own responsibilities.  

I'm reminded of some stories my wife has shared from the UW. She hears from faculty that parents call in to argue their 18-year-old kid's grade. That is seriously messed up! 

That 18-year-old is legally an adult and if they have a problem with their grade they should be adult enough to talk to the professor themselves and not call Mommy and Daddy to help. Absolutely nuts!  

I think I'd feel like a failure as a parent if I had this happen. It's our job to raise these kids into responsible adults and college is kind of the first test on how we did. If your kid can acclimate and take responsibility for their college career you passed the first part of the final. If not you've got some work to do and fast!

This isn't to say that I think parents shouldn't help their kids. Far from it. I've received lots of help from my parents over the years, but the thing that they've done the best was to raise me to try and take care of things myself before coming to ask them for help. Usually all I've needed in the past is some advice and opinion and I was good to go.  

Sadly, I know people in their mid 30's that are perfectly capable of handling things on their own that still go to Mom and Dad first for them to take care of it. Some days I really fear for the future.  

I'd love to hear some of your stories about your style and how you came up with it, thoughts about responsibility and getting into trouble!